I broke up with him.. I hurt myself. But I didn't bargain for this. Neither of us did. This is cutting off our friendship for him.. cutting off pretty much all I have here for me. Cutting off one of the only people who has ever understood me for faults and hopefully some strengths.
"We'll be different"
I want to be mad at him.. for hurting me. But I can't. I made this bed... and I know I did it for the right reasons. I just didn't know I was cutting off a friendship too.
"We'll make it work"
And here I sit again. How many more does it take? How many beatings do you sit through before they release you? And how are you expected to recover on your own? Is that part of it? What sadist created this? Others never had to live through this? When does it "pay off?" No one wants to date the sad girl.... so how do I find the silver lining? How do I find my bearings?
I constantly seek "we" and perhaps I was setting myself up for this. putting blinders on the potential drawbacks. I need that acknowledgement that someone supports me. I know my friends do.. but.. I'm not sure if they really know me.
Remember you. Forget we.
I've been here before. Why is it still so hard? Why is it still so hard when its not someone that I really loved romantically? Was it fear of the bottom dropping out? Well it did. I can't do it on my own.. but I can't whine and cry to others about not trusting fate and listen to the cliches. Thats not me.
In fact.. there is no one here to seek out... there may be, but they are all almond joys, (nice, just not for me).
"No one ever taught him how to love someone without hurting them"
"You are born alone and you die alone, the rest is just a bonus"
God, I think you picked the wrong one. I'm sure their were stronger flowers in the garden to weather these storms. I'm loosing petals. Help me through this one.
And here I am being self-centered thinking others aren't going through this battle.. that my battles are worse than theirs.
People don't treat those that are so important to them this way. They tell them they are important. They help them. They take care of them. Perhaps this is karma. You got what you wanted, someone who understands you, faults and all.. and you neglected it. Your fault. Live with it.
I didn't really believe in intimate friendships.. until this. And I know it was more than this because we did date.. but it hurts to lose it. The reason why I struggled with friendships is I don't know what I am supposed to expect from the other person. They have loyalties that trump this. I don't know how to be only semi important and also be completely open and honest. I'm not sure if I can trust where the loyalties will fall in a time of need.
Perhaps I'm being melodramatic and creating a self-fulfilling prophesy rather than riding it out. But I want to be important to someone. Perhaps I just need to make myself worthy of importance.
I knew it would happen.. I knew that I would let him go and someone really great would snatch him up.. and they will ride off into the sunset together. He deserves that. Do I? I'm not so sure. I know we were never on that path.. but we played the parts and bide our time to cope with the loneliness. Did we ruin it for ourselves? or did we just ruin it for the person who didn't find it first?
If I know I have potential to be an incredibly caring person to someone I love.. how do I prove that to someone.. when right now it is only potential... In my head it will take the combination of the person and the love to trigger it. Do I need to change?
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