Fuck you.
Fuck you for doing what I can't.
Fuck you for having what I don't.
Fuck you for giving up on us.
Fuck you for never believing in yourself.
Fuck you for making love to me.
Fuck you for still loving me.
Fuck you for still being my friend.

Part of me wants it to not work with her.
Part of me wants it to work with her.
For you to love her. To not give up on her. For her to not walk away from you like I did. I want that for you. But I'm mad. Mad at myself. Mad because I was a 22 year old idiot. Or because I made an incredibly tough good decision. How does one know if they made the right decision? Or do we just find another future and say that you are glad it worked out that way because you don't know the alternative.

Just because I'm stuck in limbo doesnt mean the world is.

Why is this happening now? Why wasn't I like this before? Did I always think that we would get back together? Yes. I thought he couldn't really move on.. We loved each other THAT much. Yet I did. And that had to hurt. But he never knew that I never gave Nate a chance. And Nate now knows.. and will never forgive me for it.

Would we have worked? Would I have kissed you every morning? Made love to you every night? Would I have had your kids jumping into our bed when they have nightmares? Would we have explored new cities together, getting lost on public transportation? Would I have found myself trapped by my love for you? Or would we have settled into a  the right groove and found ourselves working toward the same future? Not probable.

There is more out there. There is more out there. There is better out there. Don't settle. She says it so often the phrase has lost its meaning. Saying it out of muscle memory rather than consciously, forgetting the meaning.

Is there more out there? Do I really believe it or do I believe it because there is no other alternative than believing it?

I don't believe in fate.. but as I know this is the worst it has to get with Dan. This is the end and I'm clinging on to the end of the rope because I don't see any other ropes or ladders or step stools. I'm punishing my muscles by maintaining grip when I need to just fall and find something else. But I strain and writhe and it hurts. It's like there is a knife in my side and instead of pulling it out I'm letting the wound heal around it... so that the slightest movement will reopen  the wound whenever I'd like to punish myself for walking away from him.

But is he the fool? Am I that great of a catch that he should realize that this is worth fixing? Or ishe a normal human being that chose to heal and forget me. And I'm the one who hasnt healed.

Regardless I know this is a mess.. and some messes are worth working out but I can't do it alone. If he won't, I have to walk away from it. leave it a mess. Leave it cluttered. unresolved. Is that what I hate most?

I have tried to walk away before. How can this be different? Do I block it out? Do I become one of those crazies that pretends things didnt happen? Do I need to do that?

I know its the end. I don't think he would welcome me back.. and I'm not sure I want him to. I am so mad at him. How can I work towards indifference or... forgetting his existence.

I wish I could have a solid gold guarantee that I could never see him again. I'd pay $2,000 for that.

If I could live thinking that he doesnt live near me.. how can I create that lie in my head? Forget him..

Will I ever let anyone in that deep again? Will it take forever? I will need to be patient. So will they.
Stop. Drop. Roll.
this is not that big. people are actually struggling.. and you live less days on this earth because you couldn't be with someone anymore? you only get so many days.. don't waste anymore. HAHAHA YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE.

So I forget that future. Even though I don't believe it will happen anymore. i forget how much power I gave it. I forget anything that I everthought I would get from him. And decide that it will be nothing. Nothing more will I get from him. If I see him I will leave. I won't talk to him. I don't want anything to do with him. It is not spiteful. it's practical. there's this image of seeing him and me being dismissive and him trying to talk to him.. that I know won't happen.
Quit trying to find a movie endingto this. It's a mess. It just will be. Forever. The chapter has finished. Stop talking about him. Stop remembering. Stop. Walk away. Don't listen to that music. Don't drive by. There's nothing there for you.

It's done.
Maybe instead of convincing yourself that there are more out there...  i just need to convince myself that its done. How can I believe that. You better learn gurl.

So incredibly frustrating to keep trying to have someone "get" your personality.. and they just don't get it.

For example, no one on my team has a personality that naturally meshes with mine. So jokes are misunderstood, I feel uncomfortable, they feel uncomfortable. I fake laugh to their jokes. Then the worst part... trying to assimilate to what works for them.

AHHHHHH. Its middle school all over again.

You start doubting yourself and your worth. Yesterday I thought, "Am I a nerd"

REALLY??? There are people that think you are one of the most socially comfortable people inthe world?

Sure, your timing is off from time to time. Sure, you mix up your cliches. Sure, you have a little social anxiety, but most of that manifests behind the scenes. Pre and post interaction.

On to the next one, money in my pocket, put your hands up 'cuz tonight we crowd rocking? Idk.

Anyway:

Lately, I have just felt, ok just being by myself. And when I say "by myself" i don't necessarily mean single, but overall, just alone. I don't feel the need to tell people everything or bitch to someone.

There are a few possibilities on what this could be:

1. Survival and denial. Because there really aren't that many friend options that I consider quality (and time spent with friends who are not quality is just exhausting to me anymore.. SEE: ABOVE). So I have adjusted and I am trying to make myself believe I can survive alone.. I have done this in the past, but this time seems different. I am not bitter at anyone. i know this is a choice.

2. This is what its like when you grow up. Maybe I have learned that lesson that you have to make yourself happy before anyone else can... Hmm.

3. Temporary insanity.

:)

this

I want to feel something besides sadness and numbness and abandonment.. so i feel anger. Its better than feeling hurt.

I broke up with him.. I hurt myself. But I didn't bargain for this. Neither of us did. This is cutting off our friendship for him.. cutting off pretty much all I have here for me. Cutting off one of the only people who has ever understood me for faults and hopefully some strengths.

"We'll be different"

I want to be mad at him.. for hurting me. But I can't. I made this bed... and I know I did it for the right reasons. I just didn't know I was cutting off a friendship too.

"We'll make it work"

And here I sit again. How many more does it take? How many beatings do you sit through before they release you? And how are you expected to recover on your own? Is that part of it? What sadist created this? Others never had to live through this? When does it "pay off?" No one wants to date the sad girl.... so how do I find the silver lining? How do I find my bearings?

I constantly seek "we" and perhaps I was setting myself up for this. putting blinders on the potential drawbacks. I need that acknowledgement that someone supports me. I know my friends do.. but.. I'm not sure if they really know me.

Remember you. Forget we.

I've been here before. Why is it still so hard? Why is it still so hard when its not someone that I really loved romantically? Was it fear of the bottom dropping out? Well it did. I can't do it on my own.. but I can't whine and cry to others about not trusting fate and listen to the cliches. Thats not me.

In fact.. there is no one here to seek out... there may be, but they are all almond joys, (nice, just not for me).

"No one ever taught him how to love someone without hurting them"

"You are born alone and you die alone, the rest is just a bonus"

God, I think you picked the wrong one. I'm sure their were stronger flowers in the garden to weather these storms. I'm loosing petals. Help me through this one.

And here I am being self-centered thinking others aren't going through this battle.. that my battles are worse than theirs.

People don't treat those that are so important to them this way. They tell them they are important. They help them. They take care of them. Perhaps this is karma. You got what you wanted, someone who understands you, faults and all.. and you neglected it. Your fault. Live with it.

I didn't really believe in intimate friendships.. until this. And I know it was more than this because we did date.. but it hurts to lose it. The reason why I struggled with friendships is I don't know what I am supposed to expect from the other person. They have loyalties that trump this. I don't know how to be only semi important and also be completely open and honest. I'm not sure if I can trust where the loyalties will fall in a time of need.

Perhaps I'm being melodramatic and creating a self-fulfilling prophesy rather than riding it out. But I want to be important to someone. Perhaps I just need to make myself worthy of importance.

I knew it would happen.. I knew that I would let him go and someone really great would snatch him up.. and they will ride off into the sunset together. He deserves that. Do I? I'm not so sure. I know we were never on that path.. but we played the parts and bide our time to cope with the loneliness. Did we ruin it for ourselves? or did we just ruin it for the person who didn't find it first?

If I know I have potential to be an incredibly caring person to someone I love.. how do I prove that to someone.. when right now it is only potential... In my head it will take the combination of the person and the love to trigger it. Do I need to change?