Fuck you.
Fuck you for doing what I can't.
Fuck you for having what I don't.
Fuck you for giving up on us.
Fuck you for never believing in yourself.
Fuck you for making love to me.
Fuck you for still loving me.
Fuck you for still being my friend.

Part of me wants it to not work with her.
Part of me wants it to work with her.
For you to love her. To not give up on her. For her to not walk away from you like I did. I want that for you. But I'm mad. Mad at myself. Mad because I was a 22 year old idiot. Or because I made an incredibly tough good decision. How does one know if they made the right decision? Or do we just find another future and say that you are glad it worked out that way because you don't know the alternative.

Just because I'm stuck in limbo doesnt mean the world is.

Why is this happening now? Why wasn't I like this before? Did I always think that we would get back together? Yes. I thought he couldn't really move on.. We loved each other THAT much. Yet I did. And that had to hurt. But he never knew that I never gave Nate a chance. And Nate now knows.. and will never forgive me for it.

Would we have worked? Would I have kissed you every morning? Made love to you every night? Would I have had your kids jumping into our bed when they have nightmares? Would we have explored new cities together, getting lost on public transportation? Would I have found myself trapped by my love for you? Or would we have settled into a  the right groove and found ourselves working toward the same future? Not probable.

There is more out there. There is more out there. There is better out there. Don't settle. She says it so often the phrase has lost its meaning. Saying it out of muscle memory rather than consciously, forgetting the meaning.

Is there more out there? Do I really believe it or do I believe it because there is no other alternative than believing it?

I don't believe in fate.. but as I know this is the worst it has to get with Dan. This is the end and I'm clinging on to the end of the rope because I don't see any other ropes or ladders or step stools. I'm punishing my muscles by maintaining grip when I need to just fall and find something else. But I strain and writhe and it hurts. It's like there is a knife in my side and instead of pulling it out I'm letting the wound heal around it... so that the slightest movement will reopen  the wound whenever I'd like to punish myself for walking away from him.

But is he the fool? Am I that great of a catch that he should realize that this is worth fixing? Or ishe a normal human being that chose to heal and forget me. And I'm the one who hasnt healed.

Regardless I know this is a mess.. and some messes are worth working out but I can't do it alone. If he won't, I have to walk away from it. leave it a mess. Leave it cluttered. unresolved. Is that what I hate most?

I have tried to walk away before. How can this be different? Do I block it out? Do I become one of those crazies that pretends things didnt happen? Do I need to do that?

I know its the end. I don't think he would welcome me back.. and I'm not sure I want him to. I am so mad at him. How can I work towards indifference or... forgetting his existence.

I wish I could have a solid gold guarantee that I could never see him again. I'd pay $2,000 for that.

If I could live thinking that he doesnt live near me.. how can I create that lie in my head? Forget him..

Will I ever let anyone in that deep again? Will it take forever? I will need to be patient. So will they.
Stop. Drop. Roll.
this is not that big. people are actually struggling.. and you live less days on this earth because you couldn't be with someone anymore? you only get so many days.. don't waste anymore. HAHAHA YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE.

So I forget that future. Even though I don't believe it will happen anymore. i forget how much power I gave it. I forget anything that I everthought I would get from him. And decide that it will be nothing. Nothing more will I get from him. If I see him I will leave. I won't talk to him. I don't want anything to do with him. It is not spiteful. it's practical. there's this image of seeing him and me being dismissive and him trying to talk to him.. that I know won't happen.
Quit trying to find a movie endingto this. It's a mess. It just will be. Forever. The chapter has finished. Stop talking about him. Stop remembering. Stop. Walk away. Don't listen to that music. Don't drive by. There's nothing there for you.

It's done.
Maybe instead of convincing yourself that there are more out there...  i just need to convince myself that its done. How can I believe that. You better learn gurl.